i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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