Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
