My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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