When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
