In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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