I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
