i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
