Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
