You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
