Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
