you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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