Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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