maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
