You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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