This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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