I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
