you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
