I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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