So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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