The maid of honor just puked.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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