me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
