I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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