I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
