Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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