If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
