Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
