Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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