FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
