Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
