Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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