it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
