I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
