I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
