I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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