The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
