At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
