I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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