You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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