one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
