Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
