I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
