I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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