My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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