im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
