I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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