Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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