how can u be prego again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
