if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
