The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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