theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
