Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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