Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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