Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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