The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Is Oprah even human
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
